Pen-pal basics​

What does it mean to be a penpal?

Being a pen-pal is committing to creating a consistent friendship across prison walls. Pen-paling can be life changing for both writers!

​If we're going to end incarceration, incarcerated and non-incarcerated people need to be in relationship with one another. For non-incarcerated people who have never been touched by incarceration, becoming friends with someone in a very different situation is illuminating. For people on this side of the wall who have experienced incarceration, the need for communication is clear. Our incarcerated members ask daily for ongoing friendship to help them mentally escape the walls. 

Our incarcerated community members are disproportionately queer, trans, elderly, and/or Longtimers. People who join projects like ours are often very isolated. Many of them do not receive any personal mail or have anyone to accept personal phone calls at all and haven't for years.

Forming a new friendship requires commitment. Inconsistency and ghosting is very difficult for incarcerated people. Before you send your first letter, check in with yourself:

• Do  you have the time and space in your life to welcome a new friend?
• Will you have space for them in the future?
• Can you prioritize your incarcerated friend when your life gets hectic?
• What can you give in a new friendship? What do you need? 

​This form is similar to the one we give to incarcerated members. It can help you think about what you are looking for in a pen-pal. You can even share it with your pen-pal!

​Incarcerated penpals have said they value clarity, consistency, and honesty. For example: Decide how often you can write letters and tell your penpal what to expect. Write when you say you will. Communicate if something is keeping you from writing. Open-mindedness is also important, especially if you are not directly impacted by incarceration.

SUGGESTIONS: DOS AND DON'Ts to get started

• Do make sure you can commit to write consistently. You may need to prioritize your inside friendships when things get chaotic. Getting forgotten by someone on the outside is uniquely painful for incarcerated people
• Do check in with yourself and take stock of your opinions, stereotypes, and fears about incarcerated people, especially if you haven't been directly impacted by incarceration
• Do come out and say “I want to be your pen-pal” in your first communication so your new friend knows what to expect
• Do embrace the opportunity to be intentional in forming a relationship. You can really think about how to build your friendship together when things slow down over the mail
• Do limit yourself to 1-2 pen-pals to start. Full connections take time and attention
• Do meet your pen-pal where they are at. Speak up if your pen-pal says something dated or problematic, but allow them autonomy to have different opinions​
• Do be honest about why you’re writing, your intentions, and your capacity. Let your pen-pal know how often and how much you will write
• Do be clear and consistent about boundaries
• Do be yourself! You don't have to write down only the best version of yourself. Take the risk of being genuine
• Do check in with us if you're having problems with your pen-pal

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• Don’t ask what your pen-pal is incarcerated for. Let your pen-pal decide if they want to tell you
• Don't Google your pen-pal. You will hear the worst version of the worst days of their lives. It is not fair, accurate, or helpful. 
  
  • If you are particularly sensitive to some charges, ​reach out to organizers. We can discuss whether the person you picked is a good match based on that​
• Don't send anything other than paper and simple cards. Do not send stamps, books, or money-- the prison won't deliver them. Talk to your penpal about the best way to get them things like this. Check out the mail rules for more
• Don't get overly political to start. While AMP is abolitionist, not all our members are. Additionally, incarcerated people can face political repression and severe consequences for what people say in letters to them. We don't know the situations people may be facing within their facility that can make receiving political messages a problem, so you can ask them directly if there is anything you shouldn't talk about. That said, many AMP members are activists who would love to talk about politics!
• Don’t think you aren't allowed to disagree, don't pity or infantilize your penpal. Honest relationships can get messy sometimes
• Don't think you hold all the answers just because you have different information and experiences
• Don't disappear. Tell your pen-pal if you are going to stop writing them (or ask us to). Please don't leave your pen-pal hanging if things get busy or you aren't meshing. You can e-mail us even after a long time so we can tell your pen-pal not to expect more letters

Outside AMP organizers and members are here to help if you encounter a sticky spot. All AMP organizers have a lot of experience writing and being friends across the wall, as inside and outside writers. We're passionate about connection across bars. Reach out if a personal conversation, tips for getting started, or technical troubleshooting would help you.
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